


culpability

by takammy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Heavy Angst, Mild Gore, Neglect, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29980932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takammy/pseuds/takammy
Summary: This story will contain many depressive content and miserable themes. Please do not continue to read if any of the tags/warnings may trigger you in any way.·̇·̣̇̇·̣̣̇·̣̇̇·̇ •๑♡๑•୨୧┈┈┈୨୧•๑♡๑• ·̇·̣̇̇·̣̣̇·̣̇̇·̇Levi Ackerman x Reader.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Reader
Kudos: 3





	culpability

╔═════ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═════╗

**Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter.**

**Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter.**

** Why? Why did this have to happen to you? **

** Huh? **

** No...no not you. But, also you. **

╚═════ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═════╝

**_➝It was pouring, the rain. The skies tears rained down on you heavily. So heavily that the longer you stood in the rain, the more the raindrops were starting to feel less like raindrops and more like bullets. Bullets, falling on your head. Over and over. As if the rain was trying to kill you._ **

That wasn't surprising. You were born into a world that loathed you from the beginning. Your mother never listened to you, ever. **Neglect**.

"Mom! look! I drew us together!!" 

...

"Mom!! look! I found a birdie outside!"

...

"Mom, I-"

"Leave me alone. Find a new mother, I don't want you here. God, you're so fucking annoying."

She said those words. You remember it vividly as if your mind screen-recorded the whole thing. She did. No exaggeration, no anything. She looked you in the eyes whilst she said it too, her blank eyes that never had conjured any love for you when they were on you. It's as if the reflection of yourself that you saw in her eyes, wasn't the same thing she saw. You were no child of hers. You weren't family. You were nothing, nothing at all.

Nonetheless, she still continued to clothe you. To feed you, bathe you, put you to bed, all of those things. But with no emotion at all. She'd cook dinner and leave it on the side, not even bothering to call you for it. If you did end up eating together, she wouldn't look at you nor speak to you. She never spoke to you at all. Just those words, '.....God, you're so fucking annoying.' was all she ever said to you, once. Other than that, she never dared to communicate with you at all. 

You always wondered why but to no avail. You never got an answer even when you asked. And your poor, infant mind was too young to even assume a reason. Looking back on it, your mother was never intoxicated. She wasn't an alcoholic, she wasn't being abused; your father was absent since birth. She seemed to have a well-paid job and never struggled to put food on the table. She was a beautiful lady yet declined any form of love life. But still, she refused to interact with you, verbally and emotionally. 

But, even so, you still were grateful to her. Thankful, even. Even if she hated you, and the only thing she could say to you was to find a new mother, you still loved her, for the bare minimum. You never had any siblings or grew up with any friends. You were forever outcasted. That's why you didn't know this style of parenting wasn't normal, wasn't okay. It was just normal for you. Confusing, but normal. You had hope. A hope that maybe when you were older and independent, maybe she'd like you and actually get along with you for finally moving out. You wanted to get along with your mom. To build a relationship, to talk to her. 

_➝ **It was hard to breathe. You were running so far, the adrenaline was flowing wildly through your veins. Where was she? Where was she?? The rain was making it harder. It drenched you. Your clothes were heavy on your back, your chest felt tight and it was so fucking hard to breathe. The rain really did want to kill you. But still, you kept going. You needed to find her. You HAD to find her.**_

You still remember the first time. The first time she put her hands on you. You were 9. You were messing about with the only toy you had. It was a white teddy bear with a pink nose. You adored it. You had it since birth. Your mother had a picture of you holding the bear in your arms on her bedside table. You assumed that she gave it to you. That thought made you happy. So happy that you didn't want to ask her in case that wasn't the case. Not that she'd probably even answer, but you didn't want there to be any alternative reality than the one you had just thought of.

If she really did give it to you and buy it for you and hasn't disposed of it yet, she must secretly care for you. Right? that would also explain why she still continues to care for you and feed you, even bring you to school instead of leaving you to starve outside of her house. Your nine-year-old brain felt content with that conclusion. 

But you were rushing around the house, playing with the teddy. You knocked something over and it shattered. It broke into more pieces than you could count. You stood there, unable to think of what to do. Before you could even think of a solution, however, you were yanked by the arm and slapped. Not once, but over and over. It felt like it wasn't going to end. It was like she was hitting you with the number of pieces you broke. Please, make it stop. 

**_➝Then there she was, hiding behind a bush. You ran up to her._ **

**_"Mo--...sorry. What are you doing h-"_ **

**_SMACK._ **

**_"You foolish child. I deliberately RAN from her for your own safety. Why didn't you stay in the fucking house? Just how empty is that head of yours?"_ **

**_You held your cheek, bewildered. It stung. It hurt. But, she was speaking to you! You didn't care about the swollen stinging that pulsated in your cheek, you were so overjoyed she was actually talking to you._ **

**_"You're speaking!--"_ **

**_She yanked your wrist, as she always would. Her eyes were serious, she looked just as bewildered as you did a few moments ago. Why did she look like that?_ **

**_"You need to get out of here, do you hear me?!--"_ **

**_THUMP. THUMP. THUMP._ **

**_What's that? what's happening?_ **

**_The ground was vibrating with each thump as if something massive was hitting the earth. Or walking the earth, even._ **

**_"ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME? YOU--" she raised her hand to hit you. It was all too normal for you. You didn't understand why she had to make you feel pain, but you didn't want her to. You raised your arms indistinctively to protect yourself. But the pain didn't come. It was usually quick and sharp, but it wasn't happening. Why?_ **

**_You opened your eyes and moved your arms away, still on guard for any quick ones. She just looked at you, tearfully. She was sad? why was she sad? You had never seen her cry or anything for that matter. Never seen her scared, happy, sad or even angry. Even when she bruised your skin, and made you cry, she looked completely blank and unremorseful as ever. Emotionless, even._ **

**_Then she slid her hand on your swollen cheek, then her other hand on your other cheek. She pressed her forehead to yours. It didn't hurt. It didn't sting. It didn't make you scared but still,_ **

**_You were crying._ **

**_Why? what did this even mean? why was she doing this?_ **

**_You weren't used to any intimacy other than her hitting you with things. That was the only type of intimacy you received from her. So why was she doing this? what did this mean?_ **

**_It was hurting your head and you couldn't stop crying. It was a hard cry, a sob. The type of cry to make your eyes puffy and swollen the next day._ **

**_"My poor baby. Please, I'm begging you. I know I don't speak to you, so take these words and make the most out of them. I love you, I do. Now run, run away and don't look back."_ **

**_You learned those words in school._ **

**_"When someone loves you, it means they care about you. They want you here and they're glad you're alive."_ **

**_Your teacher always claimed she loved every one, but that was bullshit. If your even your mom had never said those words, the woman who sees you for the most hours of the day, the woman who gave birth to you, how could someone as shallow as a teacher possibly love you? You had always wondered if your mother loved you. You convinced yourself she did all the time, even if her actions said otherwise. Even if the uncertainty she didn't was strong._**

**_But to hear her say it herself. It made your heart feel full as if your heart was overwhelmed by those words. You couldn't speak. What were you to say? You couldn't move. You were frozen. The words she said had you stuck in place._ **

**_She pulled away and looked into your eyes. For the first time ever, her eyes looked full. Almost as full as your heart. As if her words came from HER heart. She loved you. Your mother, she loved you. She did. She said those words._ **

**_But the thumping wouldn't stop._ **

**_The thumping took everything away._ **

**_Your hope, your dream._ **

**_You felt you were so close._ **

**_Now that she told you she loved you, what you wished for actually felt realistic. A relationship with your mother._ **

**_A one where she didn't hate you, didn't hit you, didn't ignore you. It felt possible._ **

**_But the thumping took her away._ **

**_It stole her once-in-a-lifetime attention from you._ **

**_She turned away from you, the thumping distracted her._ **

**_She ran up to the creature causing the thumping._ **

**_What the fuck was that?_ **

**_What the fuck IS that?_ **

**_It took her. It grabbed her by the head and squeezed until her legs stop trembling uncontrollably and blood splattered everywhere. It wasn't fair. It's not fair. It will never be fair._ **

**_You didn't even get to try. You didn't even get to see her smile for once. Today you saw her cry, you wanted to see more._ **

**_But now she was gone. Dead. Unmoving._ **

**_You couldn't even move, you couldn't even run, you couldn't even help. You just sat there and watched. Terrified. Your 15-year-old body trembling as much as your mothers was a few seconds ago when she was still breathing._ **

**_What just happened? It happened so quickly you didn't even understand if it was real anymore._ **

**_The rainwater diluted the scarlet that dripped all over the floor. Your mind felt clouded and foggy. You couldn't even tell if you were still crying or if the rain was just pouring 10x harder now._ **

**_Then a man came. He killed the beast and offered his hand out to you._ **

**_He said that it was alright now and that he'd take care of you._ **

**_..._ **

⊱ ──────ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ────── ⊰

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬, 𝐢𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬.

𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐝: 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝.

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞: 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐑𝐚𝐢𝐧, " 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫. "


End file.
